I am writing this because I have to get it out, I need to vent....
::WARNING:: totally random thoughts below!!
Right now my chest is pounding, searching for the right words to say. I don't really even know where to begin. I am just so desperate right now. I need to feel like I belong somewhere. I need have a real relationship with the Lord. I am just so lost as to where to start.
I feel like I am lost in the woods with no sense of direction.
I watched Candace Cameron Bure's testimony on her website today and it has just got my mind going even more. I guess that's the reason I can't get my mind off of it tonight.
She talked about how she asked the Lord into her heart at 12 and to forgive him of her sins, but never really knew exactly what her sin was. It wasn't until she was married and had her first child that she really decided she wanted to know who the Lord was and have a real relationship with him. She talked about how she started reading books and attending church. She would tell her husband about what all she had learned until finally one day he told her that she was turning him off and to not talk about it anymore, if he wanted to know he would ask. She didn't say anything else to him about it. She said she went home and searched the Bible for the scripture she had remembered hearing a few times. She prayed for the Lord to show her, he did. 1 Peter 3:1. It says. In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives. She said that she had noticed a change in him. They were out of town and even family had noticed a difference. By then it had been about 2 years since he told her not to talk to him about the Lord. She had told him that she wanted to get baptized again and asked if he wanted to as well. He asked what it meant to be baptized and she told him, he though for a moment and said he did. The rest is history.(That was the short version.)
All of this really spoke to me. Dax and I have attended church but have never gone on a regular basis. I would try to do a devotional and then I would let other things get in the way and I would stop. I make excuses to not attend church, and I'm just so tired of it. I want my kids to know about the Lord, I want them to believe. I want them to have a personal relationship with him and have eternal life. I can't do that and not live that life myself.
Over the past few days I have been trying to talk to Rilan about Jesus. It kills me that I haven't really until now. When I don't know much myself its so hard to tell a 4.5 year old about it who ask tons of questions. I just feel like I have failed. I don't want to feel like that.......
The verse in my header is Joshua 24:15 But as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord. I am desperate for that to be my house.